Growing Old

So you're 18 years old. Fresh out of high school. The world is your playground. The drinking! The SEX!  It's everywhere!! Well, for some more than others. In addition to this, you have hopes, ideals, and dreams of living an amazing fucking life.  ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!

Then all of a sudden, you're all through college and BAM! You're 23.  Blink twice? 27. That's right: if you haven't met the person that you (like to think you) will spend a significant amount of your future with by now, you're statistically more likely to remain alone FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. In addition to this dismal truth,  in only 3 more years, you'll be 30. And after that, it's allllll dowwwwn hilllll -  the spare tire gets heavier and the cue ball gets shinier. And those are only the least visually depressing metaphors...

To Live Fast, Die Young, and (Love Hard?) may be a very legitimate plan of action - especially for those in this world that spend way too much plan feeling sorry for themselves.  Especially in a world with a ridiculously aging demographic who have embarrassed themselves with exceptionally poor planning decisions for Senior's Housing and health care. What are these people going to expect from us kids in another 20 or 30 years? And worse yet: what hope do you and I have of living a comfortable life in another 40 or 50 years? The the way the world is? It's hard to be optimistic...

Growing old. I think I fear that more than I do dying. Especially if that dying is going to be a dreadful, deteriorating death of my overall general health.  Chronic pain, false teeth, hearing loss and glaucoma, osteoporosis and arthritis, ailments and oxygen tanks. And dementia if you're lucky.   

Add to this the likelihood of becoming neglected by your kin. Root causes of poverty are often a result of excessive reproduction, resulting in hardships for you & your children. So having more than 1 likely won't make any difference.  In a super-fast-paced world where everything & everyone is always on demand, you can BET YOUR LIFE that you will be put on the back-burner when it comes to things like getting help in picking up groceries, taking trips to the doctor's office, or even filling the (government-covered?) prescription necessary to make your life... liveable? Barely. And we all know how much disposable income senior citizens have don't we.

When it comes to aging and, well, dying, I like to think that we do have at least some degree of choice in our fate. I wonder if we can pre-arrange euthanasia somewhere, somehow, and stipulate the conditions of how & when it should go ahead with, while we remain in our sound mind...? Or if we're really f'd up and lack total perspective or hope, there's that ultimate tragic & selfish way of removing ourselves from the equation.  But I think a funner way to start the end of it might be by living that good ol' (often-sought-after-rarely-attained)  High! Risk! Lifestyle!  More drinkin', wild irresponsible sex, recreational drugs of every kind, smokin', eatin', partyin' ---> EVERYTHING UNHEALTHY!  Because even with the average human longevity breaking through to new heights, there still - and always will be - a huge difference between living and living well.

Growing old isn't always part of the good lord's plan for us. Sudden death. Tragedies. NEVER accidents. But life-ending disasters. The 87 year old man killed golfing by a lightning bolt with no clouds or rain over head?  The highjacked bus that went off the bridge killing 15 school-aged children? It's all just such a huge fucking gong show. But for noone more than the ones left behind. This is why I think that a chronic illness can be just as devastating as a terminal diagnosis. The sick one will have to fight so fucking hard to overcome the psychological barriers thanks to both sadistic statistics as well as stigmas only perpetuated by the media. The sick one must do this in addition to fighting the actual illness?!?!?! Did I mention something about the importance of "support" earlier? Brutal. Fighting death alone, I think, would be harrrrd.  Having the knowledge that your time on this earth is going to be limited to years, months, or even weeks? Indescribable. This is why I think a fast, unexpected departure from this world might be preferred. This is why I fear the prospect of growing old. This is why I think that the faster we can find contentment (and bliss?) in life, the better.  This is why I would just like to live life now. Before it's too late. I can feel the heat of the bus's headlights on my brow already.     
  
Some say that if you go through your life in this world counting on nobody then nobody will be there to let you down. Once again, this makes the idea of "growing old" so very depressing. The fact of the matter is that it's only human nature to want to meet someone that you can share your life with. Share your happiness with. Share your sicknesses with. Share your bed with.  And the likelihood of sharing a 20th, 30th, or 50th anniversary with a partner becomes smaller & smaller.  Sure, there's something to be said for self-sufficiency and personal goals/achievements - but conquering Mount Everest or sailing the Seychelles or riding shotgun though an African Safari with the one you love is a hell of a lot more fulfilling than doing these things alone. + When the lion pounces, who is going to be the one to watch your back and nail that beast? And when you're 67, who is going to be the one to steep your tea? Pick up the Polident?  Drive you to your radiation treatments? Let you win at Wheel of Fortune?

Right now I'm at the age that kids really start to think about Life Long Loving and taking the holy vow of matrimony (if not only for the taxation benefits).  I'm right at the age where couples really engage in getting engaged. The lovely ladies go crazy when they become committed to the idea of... getting committed (I think maybe before the cue ball starts to shine and the spare tire gets brought into play?) But dearly beloved, please answer me this:  As much as you & I avoid looking into each other's eyes, are you absolutely positive that you are with the person that you see yourself buying Depends for in 50, 40, or 30 years from now?! And more importantly, how far into our marriage do you see the sex stop getting wild and kinky? (I would like to think NEVER - despite the fact that the very idea of old people fucking sounds kinda gross.  Alright, I'm convinced. For you, I will live forever.

Here's to You, babe. Let's hope we find eachother before we fastforward through our lives and wake up one day sad, cynical, jaded... and old. or dead.

I Used To Write Songs.

So you're a musician.

Well Me too. I have a guitar, a piano, a keyboard, a harmonica, a drum to beat on, annnnnd some spoons. My skill level at each of them? Not great. But I could get better, I swear. Then I could maybe even one day be famous. Quasi-famous? Non-famous? Infamous.

I stopped writing songs when I realized I couldn't sing. This was an unfortunate realization since the songs I wrote were actually pretty good!

The idea of someone possibly falling asleep at night to the melody that you created is pretty special. The thrill of  having someone clinging onto every last lyric of a song that you wrote is especially exciting!  Especially when you can secretly fool them all with some deep, dark & mysterious metaphor in your song that only truly makes any sense to the people you are most intimate with in your life. Or better yet: nobody else in the world but yourself.

The potential for metaphors and symbols and often not making a whole lot of sense makes the art of song-writing a very romantic endeavor. It doesn't matter if you are writing a song about pain, love, life, or death. Heck, even the punkest of punk bands can still write a song that tears at the heartstrings because of the degree of passion put into, say, bringing down the government! But outside of punk rock, a guy can still write a heartmelting song that can truly make the person he devotes it to become short of breath, perhaps a little bit dizzy, and maybe weak in the knees.

The opportunity to create intense admiration (ranging from "just a fan" to "I know all your songs" to "sexually stimulated" to "cyber-stalker" to "roadie/groupie" to "follow me to my van after the gig") from members of your fanbase is also intriguing. With only 3 1/2 minute songs, a musician can gain this kind of power over their audience. Songs that beckon each and every one of its listeners to fall head over heals in love with its creator. Songs that are so incredibly beautiful, sensitive, and tragic that the degree of vulnerability on display with the artist's most inner soul will make even the most straight-faced cold-hearted cynical person weep. 

These are the songs that I would sing for you. These songs I would dedicate to you.

Dedication. This is what having success in most things comes to in the end. A little luck doesn't hurt either.  Dedication: to tour, to write, to perform, to endure, to put out easily accessible & affordable non-tacky music & merch, and to not sell out.  Any musician seeking fortune or fame has to put in some pretty serious dedication - year after year after STD after year.        

  

Since I no longer write songs, and it is unlikely to ever become a viable vocation for me,  I often think about the other ways that I might be able to get her attention/fill up my days.  In life, don't a lot of people at least try to develop themself into a more dimensional, complex individual? Enroll in a Mediterranean cooking class. Take Tai Chi. Learn another language. It would be sooooo much easier to just be a musician! I think it must be like living in a dreamworld to be a successful musician - especially a lead singer in a band - where alll of those endless, fantastic things happen to you, whether you are drunk or high or not. The mundane routine of playing the same songs while earning little money at dirty little clubs with the same sleezy cocktail waitresses time and time again... WOULD BE GREAT!!! For a while. I can understand how some bands cannot overcome the ennuyeux of similar setlists and drunken fans/cyber-stalkers/roadies borderline harassing them (or begging to get harassed by them). But in the end, I think that the band learns to  evolve and put out incredibly stimulating material less frequently (TOOL, Propagandhi, Radiohead), or else fizzles out completely. For this reason, I guess I just have to be happy that I do not write songs. If I can simply spend some time with people I like that also don't mind wasting their nights away watching these musicians give themselves up for us, then that's fine too. 

SNFU can be credited to the title of this blog:

chapter 110.

Drive to Kill!

They call it an accident. A  slamming of the breaks and a wrenching of the steering wheel - seconds? milliseconds?? after impact. Whether that impact is with a gravel truck, lamp post, mini-van, or teenager on his bike travelling at night through an unmarked crosswalk, it's often too, too late.  2,011 vehicular collisions resulted in a daughter, father, sister, uncle, aunt, mom, brother being killed 2,209 times in Canada in 2009.   Why? Even if the numbers of these tragic deaths are down from generations passed, this unneccesary taking of life will never be the same for the families that are left behind. Sometimes, destroying that family beyond any hope of repair.

Sometimes when I am driving I envision that pedestrian walkway I just coasted through. Or that 3-way stop in front of the school. Did I really do everything I could have to ensure the absolute safety of anyone that might have been there?  I like to think I did. I like to think I am a pretty good driver. But then again: So. Does. Everybody.

MADD is probably the #1 advocate towards the creation of positive change of driver attitudes. Despite sad year-to-year reports of not much ever improving for alchol related traffic deaths. Maybe for real change to ever happen though, we need a PADD - Politicians Against Drunk Driving. This is only a pipe dream though, because it is usually the politicians that can't stop drinking! In all seriousness, though, the senseless murders on Canadian roadways have to stop. I think it would be great if the city would leave the fatality signs up wherever someone has succumb to a traffic-inflicted tragedy. And perhaps when a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th or 10th loss of life occurs there, they put up a round bright orange 2 foot sign with the cumulative number of deaths at the location that it happened. This would probably result in the public's realization that current mitigation techniques at ending road deaths is inadequate.    In the meantime, families continue to suffer because someone just doesn't get it. Christopher Dew's sentencing for the murder of a grandmother of 6 is slated for today.  The conviction of this murderer might result in a 24 month or else a 30 month prison sentence, depending on whether the Courts feel that the extra 6 whole months will do him any good or not. Keep in mind that this clean-cut white boy has served as a peacekeeper in Bosnia and is looking forward to becoming a humanitarian aid worker in some poor, poor, developing country. Currently, my aunt's native-born foster child is serving a 2 year sentence for trafficking marijuana, first offence.   What gives.

Even when it isn't alcohol-induced idiocy behind the wheel, there still remains the constant potential for certain traffic death. This is often due to belligerent, ignorant asshole drivers that have no respect for anything but themselves.

Impatience is wearing thinner than ever on Alberta roadways. Merging onto a freeway can be stupidly hazordous as speed-demons cut through solid white lines, disregarding any respect for their fellow road companion or the laws of the city that are put in place to make us all feel at least a little more safe.  Stale yellows? Well, you go right ahead, but I'm not chancing it! The distracted driver bylaw? I fortunately do not have $60 or $80 for an iPhone bill every month, so fucking around on facebook while driving is out of the question. Texting is sooooo 2004. Eating while driving? Kinda gross. Changine CDs is probably my biggest vice, but at leat I am not applying mascara. Which brings me to women drivers. Without getting myself into toooo much trouble, let's just say: Yowza.  Soccer Mom's are the worst. The stress of the job of being a working Mom nowadays makes them the most insane drivers on the road. Those SUVs are indestructible though, so even with the whole fandamly in the back, she can still afford to exceed posted speeding limits by 30%. Buckle up, kids.

Extremely poor driver education and an incredible degree of ease in attaining a license do not make matters any better. Newcomers to Canadian roadways, old people, and indeed 16 year old children would all benefit from an annual re-education of 2-axle vehicle operation every year, complete with a thorough practical government administered examination for 3 years after first earning their Class 5. And old people have to get off the roads at age 75, please. The exam must be rigorous enough that the people incapable of learning even the most fundamental and necessary safety aspects of driving will NOT be driving! After all, we all know that there will be more than enough of these people that pass the test, then totally disregard everything that they were told anyways. Let's at least make it hard for them to earn that privilege of fucking around on our roadways.

If there ever is a time where a person's unacceptable driving affects you directly, I encourage you to speak up and fight for what you know to be right! Enough with the apathy. And flipping the person off doesn't do much more good either. Leaving a note on the driver's windshield is at least something, but it's better if you can muster the balls to say what needs saying to their face. Politely? Politely. As possible.  True, we can all try and exemplify a more civilized, empathetic behaviour of others' undignified driving habits or techniques. But sometimes ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! (I think it's time to pull out the 9-iron from the back seat now).

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Moving On.

As globalization continues, fuel prices will increase. Eventually they will be so unconceivably high that only the privileged elite will be able to afford to drive. But please be rest-assured: the combustion of fossil fules will continue well into the 2050s. 

Urbanization will keep our streets crowded and more public transit infrastructure will go ahead REGARDLESS of how poorly it is implemented. Even the best of public transit infrastructure will not deter the privileged elite that can afford to drive their own person vehicles from driving.

And with every additional car on the road, we continue to kill our planet with every last tonne of CO2 that is emitted into the atmosphere. even if we start driving more fuel efficient vehicles, the likelihood of our old cars not being driven by somebody within the next 10 or 20 years is pretty low. In addition, "more fuel efficient cars" does not mean "no fuel" cars, and will resultedly continue to wreck havoc on the environment! This website indicates that about 50 MILLION cars are produced every year worldwide, with 600,000,000 currently coasting around city streets.  Our oil dependent lifestyle will only intensify with our desperation for newer, better, and even more "environmentally friendly" / technologically advanced cars. The production  alone of  millions of "zero" emission cars will certainly contribute to global warming in the production line! Anthropogenic climate change. This is unsustainable.

In the year 2050, disparity and inequality will run rampant, leaving our poor civilized society in shambles. Right now, I am reading Collapse by Jared Diamond who demonstrates how crucial it is for us to aknowledge the warning signs before it's too late. It's not a case of "probable" or "likely" or "mitigation" or "work-on-technology-to-save-us" It's a matter of the necessity of change. Now. Everywhere. Fast. 

The City of Edmonton is being laughed at for the $100M in creating & expanding cycling lanes over the next 10 years.  Maybe if we're lucky, some of those 50,000,000 cars produced annually will not make it to Edmonton, and there will be more room for those of us who enjoy riding a bike on those new paths, with having less fear of being mowed down by some F-250 Hemi Engine Pick Up Truck or Distracted Driver or Soccer Mom. At least for the 5 or 6 months that the weather allows for cycling up here on latitude 53.

Today is World Car-Free Day! And it is also the day that my cousin was killed in a traffic accident 15 years ago. She was 18. I miss you, Shantell.

ch50.2/7C.2

Nobody Cares

Unless there is someone out there in this wonderful and fake world of the internet that you simply cannot bare to stop stalking, harassing, talking to, checking up on, or "poking" then there is really not any reason for you to be spending half as much time on facebook (or the internet in general, really) as you do.

Your youtube links of kittie videos, shared posts of politcally-motivated articles about the "serious issues of the day" , or invitations to join campaign petitions that hopes to "stop bad things from happening" are really truly boring most of your 2, 3 or 4 hundred friends.

There is the (very) small occasion where incredibly insightful stuff is written and/or shared by a small population of people out there.  They might make some really good points that NEED to be pointed out, for the sake of: humour, or perhaps inspiring the human spirit.

So, if you don't have something pretty fucking terrific to say or share, don't say it at all. Think twice: quit publishing notes & blogs, stop inviting me to your events, end wall-spamming, and "liking" things that really aren't all that likable in the first place, don't bother wishing insincere Happy Birthdays, and put off posting links to songs or comedians or kitties because really, really - nobody cares.

This is a modified creation from 11/12/08.
what a bullshit blog hey?!

(no subject)

Hey. How's it goin? Life's been pretty good lately. Nothing too dramatic, nothing overly boring.  Anyways. Hope you are well. Let me know when anything exciting's going on, k? Seeya whenever.

Isn't it almost tragic how boring some relationships can be? Just overly regular familiarities of courteous greetings, idle chit-chat, and mild "so-longs" with zero degree of intensity or passion? Relationships that can invariably be classified as acquaintances or worse yet: colleagues.

Yeah, life has been super busy lately - my boss has made me stay late every day this week, and I think I may have got one of those "green light" speeding tickets on my way home from work last night. Not impressed. I also have to go to the dentist next week, so I sure hope Mr. Potatohead lets me out earlier so I have enough time to get there without being late... See you at the thing in a few days. *hugs*  


Don't get me wrong. Friends are good to have. But friendships between members of the opposite sex? Difficult. Possible. Reasonable? Waste of time! Not if it's with the right person. But how in the world do you ever really, really talk when shields are raised and very little of anything truly significant is ever said?

I propose that 21st Century Living has taken a lot away from not just "communicating", but rather: "saying something". In this fast-paced world a lot of emphasis is placed on brevity & conciseness (unlike this blog) since everybody's time is so damn' important. Taking the time to go ahead and put yourself out there when you have something to say can be a very scary place to be indeed. The vulnerability to attacks! from mean people can end you up in hurtful places. But your friends? They won't attack you. That hardened shell is hard to crack though, when you spend your days protecting yourself from the evils of the world.          

Vulnerability. This is the only way that people will ever really learn anything from each other. The ability to open yourself up and say something is the key in finding true happiness with those friends that are most important in your life. Even if that means opening yourself up to the opposite sex; even if that means becoming susceptible to the possibility of the purest form of friendship: love.
  
Letters are a dying art form. In them, the writer could spend the time trying to convey their deepest thoughts and feelings to the addressee: eloquent, passionate, descriptive, and endearing. Letters would pave the road in a relationship in such a way that any time spent apart would urgently be made-up for when the couple could be together again. Texting has replaced the virtually obsolete art of writing letters in this mad, mad world. Rather than long provoking tales of the sender's thoughts & dreams, txts from qwerty iPhones with more shorthand & acronyms than you can roll out in the time it takes to address an envelope can be sent. The necessary immediacy of building (lol) "relationships" this way take definitive substance away from developing any real potentially amazing relationship that could happen - if she would only say something .  E-mails aren't nearly as ridiculous as texts, as they usually allow for semi-complete thoughts/sentences:

so how did you like the movie the other night?
Oh I had to leave early. There was some place I had to be.
Too bad. It was pretty great. u will have to watch it when it comes out on DVD.
Really? Wow too bad I had to miss it. You will have to bring me the dvd when you buy it. You buy soo many dvd's!
I've got nothing better to spend my money on - might as well be a dvd collection. I'll make sure I drop it off at your place when I get it. See you at the dog park Thursday?  
k, ttfn.


See? nothing said, nothing (really) gained. Even though it is very obvious that they both have the same interests and seem to get on reasonably well. Physical attraction? What about the attraction? We all have flaws, don't we? (she don't!) They are friends. Great friends. That just sometimes happen to kiss. Hold hands. Acquaintances. Colleagues? Say something.


Without really saying something, how do you know if there can't be something more? Schrodinger's Cat is the best way that every person needs to look at any friendship that might have the potential to... go crazy. Alternatively, a person could deprive herself of the opportunity to ever say anything significant at all and run the risk of remaining alone forever!!!    


And remember. Mistakes happen. Everyone makes them. At the very worst, you will get knocked down hard if things don't turn out right - but you know you will come back stronger than ever! On the other hand, you might end up in one of the most substantial, significant relationships of your life. And it might even last. But you need to talk to me. And you can't be afraid to let me romance your pants off.



now let's get on skype and fuck.                                                     ch. 117

Don't Lose Control Over This.

Control. What a human character flaw. The need to exert one's will over another object or being. Where does this necessity come from?!  I am sure anthropologists and sociologists have studied this to great depth through the ages.   I would suggest that the root causes of this likely goes all the way back to insecurity. The fear of death even. For example, if a shelter could be built to protect from the rain and snow, then great. Build it. When your herd of goats is being poached by a lion, put up that fence. See? It all comes right back to the will to survive. Not everybody has this fight response. Some may just flee away from the bad situation, looking for a safer, more tolerable living standard elsewhere. These futile attempts are made in vain of course, and eventually something will catch up to you. Then that old adage You Can Run But You Can't Hide comes into play again. So fight. For your right. To survive.


But. Wouldn't it be nice if civilization could still be civil in an oh-so-wild world? This world where fighting tooth and nail is an invention grown out of necessity to even just survive. Fighting for resources is often just a big free-for-all, where the biggest knife that is used will end up with the biggest slice of the pie. A lot of people out there are under the impression that the world is only our play place and we have the right to plunder and pillage every last part of it to make our own individual lives more comfortable than could ever be imagined. Exploitation and the manipulation of variables are key concepts in engineering after all.


 But exploitation certainly extends beyond engineering and into everyday people's lives as well, with the decisions we make.  Simplest example: buying Fair Trade Coffee. A decision that has a pretty damn' far reaching effect on the lives of others. So really, the trick is to understand that exploitation is more closely related to power than control.  Attempts at maintaining control beyond all reasonable means is what happens when a person demands power. The demand for the cheapest damn' coffee possible, at any cost. It doesn't matter if the environment of the coffee plantation is being exploited, or the conditions of the farmers working there. I need my coffee. Control can only be a positive part of human behaviour when we are utilizing it within our own personal attempts of character development. This control could include things like building on the values of temperance, focus, commitment, and respect. The outward use of control, more often than not, goes against nature.  S' - S > 0 after all. 


Manufactured Landscapes by Burtynsky gives an excellent depiction of some of the ways that we are attempting to control the world. It presents examples of how our planet is losing its naturality from land, water, and even the atmosphere (not to mention the galaxy) through anthropogenic means.  We abuse and trash this planet incredibly hard at astounding rates and it is difficult to comprehend how irreversible a lot of this damage may be! Remediation. Reclamation. Restoration. Is anything really ever quite the same? How do you re-introduce populations of a species driven from a landscape that has been previously demolished beyond all recognition?   


Sprawl. Concrete jungles. Asphalt nations. Right-of-way requirements for car/truck-driven economies. Edmonton may not be LA, but when population densities are as low as what we have here, it's easy to understand how greed and "need" for space has spread us so geographically and metaphorically thin.  Progressive thinking towards a united community/city/country is hindered when all we focus on is how far away we can get away from each other.  China and India and Bangladesh should be so lucky.

We do our damndest at trying to control this wild, wild world.  I think Matthew Good puts it out there pretty clearly in his song:

"everything is alright/ everything is automatic/ everything is alright/ everything is skin deep"

Our attempts to simulate a Perfect Nature are never ending. Stains with "low" VOC content are made available in a million shades of brown so that our decks and fences resemble something more like wood. We tear up our soccer fields and football stadiums so that (ecofriendly?) plastic astroturf can be laid down for the new playing surface. We douse  scoops of "natural" (chemical) icemelt over our concrete sidewalks in the winter and we spray cans of pesticide, insecticide, herbicide, fungicide,  beeicide, germicide over anything that looks the least bit detrimental to our perfect plastic lives.


Hell, even beyond the environment, people are becoming more plasticized than ever before. And I don't just mean after they have died and donated their body to Gunther Von Hagen's creepy science freakshow. This shallowness is echoed in Matt Good's lyrics, in the way that we just seem to care about the easiest and most superficial ways of doing things that could ever be dreamed of!


A lot of us folks need companionship too in order to feel safe in this whacky world. And a lot of time the easiest way of commanding some degree of companionship is to... get a pet. Or mmmaybe even a Russian Bride. The need for security via completely controlling another beings is a sign of weakness and a cry for help. Beating these domesticated pets - wives? - into submission is the ultimate and absolute indication of weakness that simply cannot be tolerated on any level. Appreciation for the natural way of things is  what's necessary and that does not mean blackened eyes or let's just say... worse.


I think that unless we change the path we're on with respect to the need to control the world and people in our lives, we are truly heading for dark, dark places. Maybe the fact that cougars and bears and crocodiles are "acting up" in "civilized" areas of our sprawling urban developments has something to do with them trying to send a message to us humans that this kind of behaviour Just Won't Do. Or maybe I just came home from watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes.





Entropy
Random blobs of power expressed as that which we all disregard,
Ordered states of nature on a scale that no one thinks about.
Don't speak to me of anarchy or peace of calm revolt, man,
We're in a play of slow decay orchestrated by Boltzmann:

It's ENTROPY! It's not a human issue,
ENTROPY!  It's a matter of course.
ENTROPY: Energy at all levels.
ENTROPY: From it you cannot divorce.

 And your pathetic moans of suffrage tend to lose all significance!

Extinction, degradation:
The natural outcomes of our ordered lives.
Power, motivation:
Temporary fixtures for which we strive.

Something in our synapses assures us we're ok but in our dIsequilibrium we simply cannot stay,


A stolid proposition from a man unkempt as I,
My affectatious nature I can not rectify.
But we are out of equilibrium unnaturally.
A pang of conciousness at death - and then you will agree!

Bad Religion, 1990. 

chapter 61.

Let's Save The World!!!

...before it's too late...

I am not a cynical person. Especially when it comes to globalization and the human state.  I am not (blissfully) naiive about the way the world is either.  I am a realist in every reasonable, pragmatic way that a man needs  to be for 21st Century living. When I'm not dreaming, anyways.

First let's make it clear that I do indeed see a lot of good in the world. Everywhere around me amidst this insane world of depravity, inequality, pain, and suffering, I can still find beauty. Beauty beyond nature. Beauty beyond engineering, even. But on another level, I feel that the soul and spirit that lies deep within some of the  most beautiful creations in existence are likely because of some higher being.

But this blog is more about when that higher being happens to call in sick, and we are all left down here to fend for ourselves and try and come up with a creative way of not totally destructing the planet - or each other.  Because even if there is someone/something up there watching over us poor lost souls, we still remain prisoners of our own device here on earth, and therefore we might as well pimp out our "prisons" as best as we can  - for us and especially for the generations that will follow us. We live an incredibly insignificant amount of time on this planet in relation to how long it has taken our Maker to allow everything on the planet to evolve to the point it is today!
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I say this now because time is running out. Sure, tell me that the fear mongers' have been saying our time has been running out since the start of the Cold War. But I do believe that a world with 8 Billion people is different than a world with 3 Billion only 50 years ago.

The hardest thing to grasp is this whole timeline thing.  A planet that is 100s of Millions of Years old is still spinning today, despite the endless atrocities that human beings have committed to it (and each other) in the matter of their lifetime.  On the same level, a lot of good can happen in a person's lifetime but mostly I think, just on a very personable level. Implementing a simple idea that could lead towards long term global sustainability likely transcends one person's lifespan. For example, electricity is nice - but when it comes at the cost of burning thousands of tonnes of coal or mitigating the threat of nuclear waste, generations of imagineers are what the world needs most.

 It's especially tough in achieving this though, with the attention span of most people nowadays. Watching these wasteful unforgiving people piss their time away can be very taxing on the human spirit. Their apathetic and selfish attitude puts unsurpassed pressure on the rest of us trying to make any sort of progress or significant impact for a lasting world.  The tiny window that we have here with our time on earth to make lasting positive change becomes even smaller. Frustration  sets in and the achievers either succumb to the prevailing, draining attitudes of most people, or else they just decide to end their time in this twisted world, under the belief that there just has to be something better than this. Killing time is indeed just another form of murder after all, and the fact that people either kill themselves in a desperate need to escape or people kill time by under-utilizing the imminent opportunities they have on this planet (like me, here, now) really pisses me off.


 


Reduction Now.
  Less is more. This is another radical philosophy that a lot of people in the Western World will never fully be able to appreciate. Certainly not in a place where we are in a love affair with wasted space.  No Impact Man takes things to the most extreme with the protagonist's attempts to raise a family in Manhattan and reducing his footprint to nil. He got the point across, but in reality, a modest footprint is probably acceptable if we ensure that we are progressing towards a globally sustainable lifestyle for the majority of the world's inhabitants. Immensely modest.  i.e. not the path we are currently on.
 
The necessity to make drastic changes in the way we live our lives is now. Unplug. (I can't wait until the day that I have someone to talk  to about some of the good/bad ideas that build up in my head, instead of having to try and sort them out here). Park your car,  don't commute farther than you have to, don't eat meat, shop local, kill the box store, don't drink bottled water, change to CFLs,  put on a sweater, blah the fuck blah.
 
There is a widely accepted proposition called the Jevon's Paradox which environmentalists like Monbiot like to use in order to describe how even in the present day of fantastic technological progress and advancements, we are - of course - still doomed.  It describes how as we develop more energy efficient ways of doing things, there will be only that much more greater demand for more of those things! And beyond that, it must be understood that with every quantity of energy saved by doing some form of efficient work, there is a complementary amount of less efficient work that is freed up for the doing. George describes this in his book waaaay better than I am doing here...

I think, mostly when it comes down to it, we must be truly proud of the work we do, and the outcome that results from this kind of work on a long-term scale. And as workers, we are all getting paid in order to contribute to our role of consumers. Likewise, it would be nice if the consumer could (afford to) be proud of the choices he/she makes in their life of consumption.

So those are some of the things I think we need to keep in mind when it comes to making the most of our time here on this big blue orb. But how do we get there when we are soooo effing far off track?!?!?! These are a few ideas...

We need:

1) A leader that is RESPECTED ---- Perhaps something like having a total restructure the UN and IMF combined, where the idea of Peace Before Prosper dominates. Perhaps with no Veto players and no Americans? We need someone to lead this UN that is heard and respected by the world. Certainly not someone like Obama who is more interested in going on holidays with his family in Cape Cod when the world is going to hell. We need a leader that can not just say "Oh, my very best advisors will give us the right answers that will lead us to a solution", but instead we need someone who can just present the concise steps towards the solution, having already consulted with the "imagneers" I referred to earlier.   This leader needs to appreciate the limited opportunity he has to leave a lasting legacy to the planet and all of its civillians, plants & animals, that are all essentially at the mercy of one person's decisions.

2) Education of the Youth. The world over. Especially women. They have the brains & the know-how. Give them an opportunity, but please just don't take my (high-paying?) engineering job away from me.

3) A WORLD Commitment. With leaders like Jack Layton who can really inspire people across entire nations to be loving, hopeful, and optimistic. When people have hope, they will tend to be less antagonistic about everything!

4) Good parenting that includes raising one's children with values such as temperance, focus, and commitment. It is hard to find this nowadays.



This whole political part is unfortunate but necessary in the year 2011. Leaders that have clout and can make bold decisions are the ones that hold the key towards long-term global sustainability, just as Jack Layton was trying to do until his untimely & unfortunate departure from the power-position that he briefly held.  Now, with a majority government hell-bent on destroying most things good in the world, it's especially sad to see that the wrong leader is likely going to push us all further to the brink of destruction. The alternative is to possibly have an all-controlling government with the opposite ideals of Harper's conservatives, and we end up living in a Big Brother state like in any of the dystopian futuristic novels. Either way, I guess, dictatorships: still bad. But having faith in a leader in a time of our greatest need? Kinda necessary.

We simply need to understand the reality of the potential for any Wall-E/Tank Girl type scenarios. The privileged and elite will survive. You and me? Probably not. The Global South? GOOD LUCK!



time is running out.




chapter 46.

A D-gree in Intimacy

Or rather:

A Degree of  Intimacy.



Degrees are funny things. They are temperatures,  angles, papers on the wall. They are also distances spread between people or things. i.e. the 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. It would be a pretty damn' sweet accomplishment to get a Degree in Intimacy though. Maybe even get on the Dean's List (ooooh, you naughty little....!) But in reality, the only recognition a person will ever get with respect to "Intimate Acclaim" is by practical... practice.  Word of mouth? Mouth of passion? Passion with no end.

Where is a person to ever even begin "earning" this kind of accreditation? Highs chool. Over the teenager's  3 year stint, it's not uncommon to get pretty familiar with the one of the simplest shapes of all: conjoined triangles.  Or diamonds.
 
The baseball diamond paradigm of "running the bases" works well for both socially inept engineers-in-the-making and meatheaded-surferboy jocks who are daring to stage their way through the endless exploration of "who they are" during their highschool years. And I think the linearity of the bases analogy works especially well for ~17 year old's because mostly everyone's  lack of experience in intimacy creates a generally level playing field.  It is only normal to expect a linear progression in a relationship as it proceeds from base... to base... to... POP FLY YOUR OUT!!!! Pop your fly open? Nope, the 1st one.

 Without going into the seminal details of each & every "base" (in which I was recently/finally straightened out about), I maintain that going through these steps still remains the best way of developing degrees of intimacy in a relationship. The real trick though is - I think - timing.      Rather than simply expecting to get the Grand Slam by the 2nd date or making a Triple Play maybe 3 months into the relationship, I think it is crucial to progress together at a pace that is comfortable for both (or more?) people carrying on with it.  THAT SAID:  Be more afraid of taking things way too slow than way too fast if you like the person.  And for the love of god, don't miss out on any openings where you might get a chance to steal a base - that is - until your partner cries "FOUL!" And hopefully if that happens, she's not referring to the smell of your balls.


There are so many sexual expectations nowadays. From Cosmo's sexy "how to's" available at every grocery store checkout counter to some of the darkest corners of the internet (no link provided) - it's a wonder how somebody can ever satisfy anybody! Me? I just keep an open mind and try not to look overly-desperate for it.


It's true - intimacy is much more than just sex. The ability to be with that special someone and give yourself up to them completely, to hold them in your eyes with complete vulnerability and to be able to provide them with a sense of wholeness and security is how the truest, most sincere degrees in intimacy are bridged. When that person you're with is at the stage where they are ready to give much of the same right back - you might be able to call it love. But mostly, keep in mind, that I don't have a CLUE what I'm talking about.


Stereotypes. Catholic girls. Hockey jocks. Women with short hair in engineering. Black guys. Punks, injins, gypsies, and thieves. All are bad. Everyone is unique with their own kinks and perversions. You never can know what to expect from any one person (or 2 people, if you are lucky that way).  The most innocent looking 24 year old sweetheart school teacher that lives in the apartment across from you might be submitting her very own sex tape c/w yardstick and plaid skirt for a chance to win SOME BIG TIME MONEY!  And the friendly shop owner down the street may be participating in some form of honour killing for the disgrace that his daughter brought to his family by running off with a white guy. It's all just a big gongshow. So try not to judge. If you can help it. Worry about your own life. And maybe not even about how or when your PANTS are coming off next, but maybe perhaps when the next time that you will see that special someone that fills the hole in your soul. 

Now let's go play some ball.


A final note on intimacy:

Keep it private, keep it exciting, keep it classy, keep it clean. But if you get a little raunchy sometimes - DON'T TELL ANYONE. Or else, film it and let me know that you did.   Don't be afraid to swing more than once, or from a different position. And when you get that out-of-the-park home run, run the bases sssllloooowllyyy. Tenderly. An inch at a time. Grounders are a different story.


I am pretty good at striking out.


chapter 99.

and remember:

and Even if it's Easy to Be Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...!

...what's YOUR definition of freedom, anyways?

and who the FUCK are you?

                                                      

                                                 who the fuck are they? who the fuck am I to say?

what the fuck is really going on...

-nofx

Trapped. Incapacitated. No future. These are some of the overwhelmingly harsh and often unbearable sensations that a person may experience when their freedom is stripped away from them. And really - in a place like Canada especially - it would be nice if a person need not worry about his or her freedom being taken from them. But then again, freedom is more than just the rights you are granted as a human being under political legislation or societal expectation. Even if the country you are in is as "free" as Canada. 

A person cannot truly be free unless there is a total elimination of desire. To feel complete by just being able to feel - no need for external stimulation of any sort. The trick is to realize that this elimination of desire does not require the acquisition of everything on your wish list. But rather, striving for an understanding of your place in this world with all of your potential and (god-given) attributes, and understanding how they can be utilized for the greatest good in your time on this planet. This will be the key towards finding an inner peace that will take you to a place that is "free" - at least in the ways that matter the most.   

To get to the level of having "desire" eliminated from your life, a person has to have a pretty firm grasp on the idea that "Freedom Is The Recognition of Necessity".  This was one of Garrett Hardin's more significant premises in his 1968 publication The Tragedy of the Commons.  In the end, a lot of it comes down to greed & temperence. A person's sense of entitlement or willingness to pillage and destroy and give nothing back in any way, shape, or form. Modern day pirateering.

I want to smash it up for all the workers who spent hours -
 all for nothing!

"Unless the workers are truly free, the machine will be prevented from working at all!" Mario Savio had the right idea. There's always going to be the potential for progress - but at what costs? Freedom for the workers. Yikes. What an overwhelming concept in a world of 7 billion people. Who work to thrive, work to survive. Who work for the "man", whose sole purpose is to exploit whatever resources are at his disposal. What fraction of this 7 Billion are satisfied with their "freedoms" I wonder?  I suppose it may depend on the worker's mental/emotional well-being, or else his or her (understandable) apathetic attitudes about what can be reasonably expected out of a hard fucking life (proportionately speaking - across the globe, that is).  

Freedom from Vices 

2011 has a hell of a lot of rules to follow. There are also a lot of expectations out there for each of us. This all round pressure results in people falling into one form of vice or another. Regardless of the society's view of the severity of whichever iniquity, seeking out reprieve for their actions that they wish they would like to convince themself that they aren't:

disgusting, disgraceful, shameful, greedy, selfish, arrogant, or just a plain jerk.

But if a person has the temperament to overcome the temptation of various transgressions (god, there's alot of them out there), then maybe he or she has half a hope in hell of getting to that state of inner calm and collectiveness... freedom. 

Drinking is one of the most common and accepted forms of finding freedom. This usually ends badly, especially when done in excess and increasing amounts as a person passes through their 20s, 30s, and onwards. In some instances it ends in pregnancies, abortions, and others it ends in unloved children or vehicular motor deaths. Not a good situation.

It would really be so great to be free from driving altogether. As enjoyable it is BLASTING THE STEREO and singing along sometimes, the regular everyday commute is no kind of life. Imagine it: without the regular commute, you would be free from all the rude, ignorant, distracted drivers (who reeealllly needs to use their cellphone before 7:30 in the morning?!) You would be free from "carbon guilt" and gas guzzling money burning $30 or $40 or $60 fills. Free from maintenance bills, insurance & registration costs; free from the threat of being a KILLER - whether the victim is a skunk, dog, or child. Freedom from Asphalt Nation thereby re-enforcing the "necessity" of Urban Sprawl. Freedom from the need to "keep up with the Jones's by having an expensive (affordable?), shiny new automobile.  - like the out-of-this-world excitement that comes with WINNING A CAR! on The Price Is Right. Free from the pressure of attracting a member of the opposite sex with your sleek new wheels. Freedom from ever increasing road rage, and Freedom from risk of driving over the cliff in your exhausted, over-worked state.

I prefer biking. I haven't done it so much over the past 10 years as I have done over the past 6 months. And even though I haven't had much opportunity to get wasted (in my next search to become more free) then ride home, I am still looking forward to that day. At least then, I can be more confident that I will be free from police scrutiny and will not be a hazard to others on the road. (note to self: keep to the sidewalks when drunk on a bike).

If a person isn't driving, then really there is not much reason to carry around their ID either. Freedom from wallets. Sure, a couple of twenties, (fives), rolled up and stuffed into the jean pocket might be necessary, but no more protruding bulk from the rear left butt cheek, please.

And while we're at it? You guessed it: cellphones. She's never going to text you back anyways, so just get over it already!  The constant demand for instantaneous communication from somebody, anybody is achieving brand new heights. This comes back again to a person's sense of self-worth and mental stability, and he or she not requiring any form of immediate gratification via their mobile device.  Just Toss It Into The Canal! You'll feel a lot better afterwards - that is, if you don't dive in head first after it.

Following along this whole technology theme, it would be really quite something if we could declare our freedom from machines! Computers. Eeuuwwwyyyyy - What A Headache! What a draw on the system and the electrical grid. I'd like to think that computer users would have better eyeball health if we reduce the number of hours that we allow bright LCD crystals burn into the backs of our retinas. I don't remember all that many 5 and 6 year olds with glasses 20 years ago.Today alone I have spent more than 8 hours on the computer. And believe it or not, I have been using it with only good intent! Really though - like I said before - I'd rather be riding my bike.  I wish I could just. sign. off...

Forfeiting Freedom For Further Feasibly Favourable Fortune

 

Freedom cannot be achieved without risk.  And some of the riskiest choices that a person will have to make in their life comes back to the degree they want to commit to something and the amount of responsibility that they assume for "the things that matter most". It's so easy to go by the mentality "Saving the World's Great - But I've Gotta Save Myself FIRST!" But there is a definite reward for seeing things through til the end. For taking those extra measures to ensure that those closes to you are being well taken care of. It's Not All About You!  If you are successful at sacrificing yourself even a little bit, you can be certain that the rewards of this "limited freedom" can be exchanged for unlimited happiness. Admittedly, committing to something can be difficult.   Seeing things through to the end - whether it be finishing a 1000 page book, realizing your career potential, or building a relationship with a significant other - these things may all tear into your perceived freedoms, but are also considerable accomplishments. And you can bet your balls that you will be getting a little somethin' spectacular gained from something significant ventured. 

All that I know for sure though is 

I am far from free.

chapter 87.

My Ride to Conquer Cancer

At this time one week ago I was in a tent at Chain Lakes Provincial Park trying to get some much needed shut-eye. 

You see, there was this matter of 109 kilometers between where I woke up that morning and where I had to sleep that night - and only one means of bridging that gap: my bike. Needless to say, this distance on a bike can tire a guy out!

When my Mom was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in September, everything - and I mean everything - was pretty much a blur.  Including the fact that September was ovarian cancer awarness month.  Including the fact that the leaflets for the Enbridge Ride to Conquer Cancer were now available for the springtime event.    

It wasn't until February when my Mom was through about 90% of her chemotherapy treatments (that all went reasonably well, thank God) when a friend convinced me that it would be a good idea to register for The Ride. "200 km on a bike? Well, I don't have a bike!"  But then I realized that this was something that I just needed to do. Just as my Mom needed to do her part by conquering cancer - it was now time for me to do it in a different kind of a way.

And this is what it was like...

My Mom joined me at Spruce Meadows on Saturday morning for the opening ceremonies and to watch the 22 hundred of us pedal through the start gates and down the winding road to - well - hopefully somebody near the front knew where we were heading!  My group (Team Paladin West) all crossed the startline together and looked good with our navy blue & sunset golden orange team wardrobe on display for world to see. The weather was mild, our water bottles were filled. It was time to get the show literally on the road. 

The first pitstop was in Okotoks where the the whole town went nuts for us. We had to pedal right through one of the main streets in town so absolutely 100% of the Okotoks population came out to cheer us on and show their support for what we were trying to accomplish. 

After Okotoks I was able to get into a little bit more of a rythm as we started to get a little more spread out. Feeling good, riding with a few of my team mates, we managed to pound back the first forty clicks reasonably well. Close to the 40km mark, my pal Mike found me. He wasn't riding with my team, but rather with is 60 year old father who happens to be  living with cancer. Not only that, Mike's dad had accomplished riding this same 200 km event the previous 2 years! Needless to say, I stopped to get a picture with this cancer crusader & his son at the 40 km pitstop. The next 20 km length of road down to Longview I found to be pretty reasonable. The wind was a little rough, but sometimes in life, you just need to bear down and overcome the more difficult challenges. Plus, there was a really fun hill to go down just prior to pulling into the Longview lunch stop.

At lunch we chilled. We carbed up & hydrated. Longview I learned has excellent jerky but didn't quite get the opportunity to try any out. Time to ride some more.

Some of my good riding buddies were great too keep me going on each day's 60 - 80 km stretch of highway. Pacing is a big part of riding bike, as is stretching, eating, and stopping for pictures. The mountain view for this part of the ride was pretty remarkable. I am sure happy the weather was so terrific...

Day One was nearing completion. They even had a 100km marker in the road. But at this point, the only thing keeping me going was the conversation I was able to have with a truly amazing TPW member as we battled up and pounded through the last few hills.  And finally - camp was in sight. I made it. Now all I had to do was find my bag, sleeping bag, tent, bike rack, change of clothes, shower, food, and beer.  

The amenities at the camp were tremendous. They even offered yoga, acupuncture, and massages. Bike techs, hot showers, live music, and lots of food. (and beer). Some people were in bed before 8 but I somehow was up talking and enjoying my evening til past 10. When I found out that my tent mate was a snorer, it ended up being a pretty late, restless night indeed.

6 AM! GO!!!! My team wished to all start Day 2 of the ride together at 7 o'clock in the morning. Yikes. So, with sore knees, sore everything I was up packing my bags and strolling through the field under a slight drizzle towards the coffee decanter.  By the time I was awake enough to find my way to breakfast, the drizzle...strengthened.

Yup. There it was. Rain. Alllllll morning long. Cold, wet, cold morning. But cha know what?  A miserable morning in the rain is nothing compared to the battles that those living with and fighting against cancer has to deal with. So we did it. Mile after mile. With always that one more hill to climb, we made our ways from pitstop to pitstop.

But as things do, the day brightened up. Every quarter distance traveled on Day 2, the weather also improved by a proportionate amount. So despite having to cycle into harsh northwesterly's and a needly foot-soakening rain, and only slivers of blue sky to motivate us - we made it to Black Diamond (or Turner Valley?) for lunch. Which ever it was, the break here was very welcomed.  By the end of my ~1hr pitstop here, I was even a little bit warm! But I kept the foil wrapped around my feet and my windbreaker on just the same. A handful of people got swept and brought closer to home on this extremely challenging day, but I am proud to say that with the support of my team, my friends, my family, as well as strangers on the road urging me on - I did it. Alllll the way to the finish line, where an emcee announced each rider's name while completing about 220 km of cycling alongside Alberta's Rocky Mountains. What a rush!!!

At the end of the day, there was my Mom. She was waiting there for me in what turned out to be a pretty hot day! It was great seeing her after finishing this pretty huge accomplishment. (My $3315 gets to be directed specifically towards gynecoligic oncology).  The team mates that I crossed the line with were more than happy to take a picture with the person that inspires me - inspires us all - to do what we did over the weekend. Thank you Mom for everything.

Sidenote: please do not be cynical about the usage of funds. I can never say enough how every last dollar makes a difference towards the treatment of any cancer patient. Signing up for ACF events, I am understanding that the participant can choose any of the following areas of oncology for their hard-earned fundraising dollars:

prostate cancer
colon, rectum, GI cancers
gynecologic cancer
head & neck cancer
lung cancer
leukemia & lymphathic cancer
brain cancer
sarcomas
skin cancer
breast cancer
childhood cancers,      
priority cancer discovery fund

So sign up today!!!

The Shopper's Drug Mark Weekend To End Women's Cancers is the last weekend in July  but is in Calgary again. It consists of walking 32 km 1 day or 60 km over 2 days and asks that participants raise $1250 or $2000 for the 1 or 2 day event, respectively. As important is EVERY cause out there, I will be giving this one a miss. Heaven knows there are soooo many causes after all...


Today we celebrated my Mom's birthday at Delux Burger. Nicola Crosbie introduced us to this place by advocating ovarian cancer research at this restaurant in February. Not only was it my Mom's birthday today, but we were also able to celebrate 4 months of my mom being cancer free!